"You are suffering from chronic anxiety" revealed the psychiatrist. What? When? How? I felt confused. A Million questions revolved in my mind. Once again the phase of overthinking emerged. All the negative thoughts were spilling out my mind and me, as usual, failed to stop it.Tears were dripping down my cheeks vigorously. Now, you might be thinking that what misery could have driven me on the threshold of a psychiatrist? well, I have no clue about it as everything in my life was perfectly fine, on yet something was very wrong.
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It had been almost more than six months that I fell into this pit of emotions. I felt devastated within myself. You can easily stop talking to a person if you do not feel happy with him/her. But imagine, how can you stop responding to your own inner self?
Imagine a life, where even waking up every morning was a 'big' challenge. I woke up with a racing heart whose beats, I could hear loud in my mind as if my heart was taken out and kept outside my body, for me to hear it clearly. I was trembling with fear- a fear which was unknown, a fear which was perpetual. I felt empty and directionless. I felt a choke in my breath. I wondered 'am I the only one, feeling this way? Probably, I guess, 'yes' I was the only one. I looked outside the window, which was close to my bed. It was a normal day. I saw my friends going to college.They seemed happy and full of life, while I remained clustered under my blanket and had no intentions to come out of it. I looked around and discovered everyone smiling. I asked myself,"when did I smile, the last time? Well, I could remember that. I had lost my appetite and had shed a lot of weight too. I began hating to look at myself in the mirror. The girl who loved to dress herself up, every day with great zeal was lost somewhere as I could not even remember the last time, I combed my hair.
I envied everyone who was living a 'normal' life. ' Why aren't 'they' feeling, this way? Why' ME?' I thought to myself. My life had turned into the darkest night and I could see no ray of hope. I wished to scream and weep aloud. But there was no one to lend me their ears and I am not complaining about that because this condition was not familiar to anyone, well, not even myself. I trembled with the terror of death. I chanted a million prayers every day and night, but it seemed like, even God had no answer to my prayers.
I wanted to scream and shout out to the world about my condition. But I feared. I feared to be 'judged'. I feared to be labelled as 'insane.' I feared 'not be accepted.' Yes, I remember discussing it with my friend for once, but she could not relate to it and how could she? I mean, who could? After all, It was something which 'only I' was suffering from.
Imagine, how would you feel, when you wake up every morning with a heart pouncing at such rate that you feel as if it will come out of your ribs?
What would you do, when you want nothing, but just a life and you are dying inside?
Whom would you talk to, when your own inner-self has refused to respond to you?
How would you react, when you find yourself locked inside your own body?
Where would you go, when you are feeling 'insane' and 'detached' from your own mind?
What would you do, when you have no grip over your own thoughts?
How torn would you feel, when you find that you have lost interest in the things which you enjoyed before?
It is hard for anyone to imagine all these feelings. Perhaps, I would say that It is impossible to even think of it. Only a person with anxiety will understand the depth of this trauma and know that it is even worse than death because death takes our life completely but anxiety tortures us, tears us apart and buries us somewhere in our own minds while we are still alive.
Anxiety, which is followed by episodes of 'Panic Attacks' is a serious 'Mental Health Issue' 'Overthinking' leads to worrying about those problems which do not even exist in reality. This leads to an evil feeling called 'Anxiety' which ruins our mental peace and happiness.
In India, there is a certain stigma attached to mental health. The society in India outcaste people suffering from mental health issues. It is often bullied or made fun off! We need to understand that people with this condition are ‘not insane.’ They are ‘not weak.’ They just need proper treatment, love, and immense support from the people around them.
People suffering from mental health issues are just fine, equally sane, powerfully strong and highly successful as we all are!